Wow~~so "rajin"

Yea,I'd never been so hardworking to update blog/diary,but recently.
It makes me feel better everytime I tell,eveytime I write out.
My moody days.

If you ask me how do i feel right now. Frankly speaking, I don't know.
I'm not sure what i'm thinking.Im not sure what am i supposed to do.
Study, obviously. But if I couldnt concentrate, i am just wasting my time down there.
Nothing help. Sometimes make me feel even worse.
"Yea,right. I wasting my days thinking of him again.Fxxx."
this kind of things happened so frequently that i couldnt even have a proper mentally rest.

Finally I made up my decision to go back to home during winter.
yea,finally. Because I was thinking im gonna spend so much. I planned to buy this and that. And if i wanted to go back, i might have spend extra of my parent's money.
And it is around new year time. Bonus to workers,monthly salary, Food and everything is an annual spend.
and yet I wanna spend thousands riggit flight for 10days maybe 13days at most.
Omg. I saw money notes fly away in front of my eyes.
This is the reason that make me think for months.
And now, finally, I decided to go back.
Just because, of the stupid broke up thing.

I'm fine. And I looked fine too.
But,but.....my mind is going to be crazy.
Alot of ridiculous,weird,abnormal(for me) ideas came across my mind.
I was shocked by myself.
Shock,because I know that. I meant it. Seriously, if im not that kind of person with strong will and self-control. I will just do it.
Because, I meant it.

But rational thinking stopped me.
I still have my mind with me. And im not gonna lose them anyway.
I tried and keep trying to let myself think ratonally.

I can do whatever appears in my mind. I can spoil everything I dont like.
But,for what?
I know im gonna regrets doing that.
This is not what i want.
And this DOESN'T work to make me release.
Maybe i can feel better for a period of time,but that's not gonna last long.
So, Stop it! !

That's why, I wanna go back.Nobody say no. None.
Even thou i explained how much im gonna spend.
They asked to go back and have a good rest,mentality.
I know im gonna breakdown.
I should leave here.
Put everything aside and have a new starting.
I truely hope that everything gonna be fine, be smooth,be happy after winter.

Now, I still want him to come back. Sounded and looked stupid.
Im not sure how long that this feeling gonna last,but I hope i hope,I can get this over.
Remember whatever is happy and memorable.Forget whatever is hateful and hurtful.
I shall appreciate his presence in my life as a partner.
Evern thou he is not the right one, but I should appreciate the happiness at that period of time.

It is pain and hurtful now. But,there's a rainbow after the rain.
I want to believer that.

Cheers!!